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Planning a trip

Asked Angela where she wanted to travel this year. She said California. Though that has always been an option for me, I also thought about Chicago; Cool city place oh and yeah the fact that my ex bf is no where near it helps too. But it's been a year, and though I believed It was fine, after I saw a couple of pics of him it kind of brought it all back. Just a lot of thoughts going on. The reason I want to go is because I want to prove myself that I am ok. That I am done with it for real. That I can travel and not be afraid of a place just because of past history.

This trip would be more than just a trip, it's a challenge, one that I have to face. And maybe it's better to do sooner than later. I do wonder how it would look to the outside eye but i know that shouldn't matter. I need to be ok. For the past year I've been hating this place because it took away soemthing from me. I hate the fact that it's a better place than Florida. That he could like it more over there and in turn not want me. Part of me keeps thinking that he does, want me. But that his dreams were just bigger than our love. And it's almost as if I know this is the truth from the bottom of my being. It's not a dealing mechanism and it's not an excuse for him. It's just honestly what I believe. Too well. That said, just because he may always wonder "what if" doesn't mean it will stop him from keep going. He seems to be doing fine. I am sure it's been hard but if he's faking for the couple of pics I've seen then he's really good at faking. But then again he could say the same from me. In my pictures it looks as if nothing had happened. It's hard to tell the end from the beginning because I try to be so positive and happy in my pictures and comments. So maybe he thinks the same of me, that I moved on and don't care. And that if I go to California and don't call him then it means we are no longer friends. That's what I would think.

But we aren't friends. Not really. I tried. I tried to be his friend. I try to pretend we had always been friends and overlook the times we were a couple hoping that he would follow and pretend with me to be friends leaving everything behind. But it always seemed as if something was holding him back, as if he had to think before a word came out of his mouth. And I wouldn't blame him, it sounds exhausting, so he just stopped trying. I guess not everyone can look past things. But the only reason why I can't is because he taught me to the bigger man. And I am. I tried. I wanted nothing more than to stay friends with him. But he was effortless and that came off as indiferent. So I stopped trying to be friendly, in no hopes, until I was disappointed by the missing birthday call/text/message/something. That one really hurt. And that was the last straw. Maybe a stupid straw, but that was it. I didn't want to talk to him. I didn't want to see him. I just wanted desperately to move on. To forget. and to never look back.

I wish it could have worked out. Specially after that pinky promise in the car. But not everyone can hold on to their words, and once again disappointed for the last time. I guess I have to put the subject to rest. Leave it alone. And forget about it. And that is what I really want. I want to be able to go to California and not think about him, not think about how close he is or how much he would love something. I want to move past this. Be better. Learn more. And have a great life. Not just good but great. Because I feel like I deserve it. I deserve a good job, a good career, a good bf and a good life.
Here is hoping for greatness in the future!

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The calm and thanks.

Almost a year later.
And the beauty of this world still shines as if I had seen it for the first time.
If that was the purpose of my heartbreak, then I'm fine with it.
I realize maybe I had been stuck and I could only see him, which makes total sense and I could never do it any other way but him leaving opened my eyes.
I was left with a lot of love in my heart, not knowing where to put it. And then one day, I started enjoying the weather, the one I used to hate because it was so hot and humid it took forever for the car to cool down. But now I see the sun and smile and I love the warm breezes, like hugs and kisses from Him.
So if the reason behind my broken heart was so I could appreciate the beauty of life, of music, or art then gosh... Thank You!
I have never been more pleased with all that I see.
And everything may not be perfect just yet, and I may still hurt every once in a while, but I know I am also stronger than I was back then. And I have taken it upon myself to be better, always be better Partly, because of him. He always taught me to be better, aim to be better, and I saw it by example and if that's the only thing I learned from him it would have been enough. But he taught me so much about life I'll never forget it. And for that I thank God too.

Time has passed and God introduced this little French guy within months, on my class of Leadership on August 2013 and he was the first person to make me laugh. I was walking under gray clouds for the longest time but for one hour a week it seemed to be fine. I didn't even have to try. He is just that good. We became good friends and he still makes me laugh. Like really laugh. It had been hard but his jokes are so good, I don't even realize they are funny until I'm already laughing. So for that and for all the good that I have in my life, I want to thank God, because I couldn't have made it without his strength and love. Also my family has helped a lot without knowing it. Mostly my family in Peru who I wish for nothing else but to see them. Thanks to Facebook is a little easy to stay in contact but even then there's nothing like family hugs. And the feeling that someone cares about u so selflessly. I love them all. Specially my grandma, who I see as the queen of it all. The strongest woman I know, my inspiration and role model.

Thank you God for keeping me alive, keeping me going. I hope one day I'll be able to smile and finally say "I'm happy" like I used to. I know God will provide.

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Drinking

To be honest, i feel kinda bad about drinking so much so often. Angela and I go out for drinks every weekend, idk if it's us growing up or just us being alcoholics and that kinda worries me.
We grab drinks like it's not a big deal, but when you do it ever weekend, it makes you wonder why are you doing it or what is it for?
And I'm getting worried.
I'm worried, I drink so that I find a way to be happy. I'm worried I drink to laugh and enjoy life because I know that I can't when I'm sober. I don't wanna find happiness in drinking because it's not true happiness. It's momentary. And I wish I didn't need a drink to laugh and be fun. I wish the reason I drink is because I want to and because I like it. I really do wish it. But to be honest I really don't know why I drink.
What I know is I don't wanna drink just because it makes me forget about my life right now. I don't want drinking to become something I go to whenever im feeling down. But to be honest it feels really good! Like really good, to be able to forget about things for just a minute or two. To have no worries, to be ok for just a bit. It feels good. It feels nice. And I know is not the solution to any problems but it sure takes away some weight. I don't wanna depend on drinks to make me good about myself. Maybe we are just growing up and that's what grown ups do.

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Oct. 21st, 2013

How can I tell anyone.
How can I tell you "I'm not happy"
No matter how hard I want to, no matter how many new things I try, no matter how I wake every morning believing its a brand new day and i can do this because I'm strong and I don't need him to be happy myself.
It just doesn't work.
It's all fake.
A big fake story. But I am trying really hard to believe I can do it. That one day, without noticing I'll be able to look in the mirror with a smile on my face and tell myself I am happy.
One day.

At this point the idea of him as a boyfriend has gone out the window. Yes I miss what we had and who we were and most importantly how happy we made each other.
But every single day I see something or hear or read something and every inch of my body wants to tell him! And then I remember I can't because I can't talk to him because every time I try he doesn't really talk to me. And i feel like crap for a bit and then I just put it in the back of my head. But to be honest all I really want is our talks, our conversations, things I could never talk to anybody else. Because only he understands.
I wish I didn't need him as much, I wish I could push him away like I used to and forget about him. But what am I supposed to do? I am in a constant fight with myself because I really want to talk to him. If he were to stay in LA would be better for our friendship because that way I wouldn't have to deal with seeing his face. Right now he is just words on text followed by his names. I don't look at his pictures, I don't go on his profile, I don't read anything about him. I don't want to see him. All I want is his friendship... Could it be possible? Is what I'm doing completely wrong? But how could be if that's a I feel like doing!

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Late night driver

Who would have thought that my sister knew so much about me. I don't really remember talking to her about my future plans. So everything she said had to come from just seeing me or being just there. I said,
"I honestly don't see myself staying in Florida. I don't know why but I don't think I wanna stay here..."
she interrupted me "where you wanna go?"
Silence... Then I said "I don't know... Another city..."
She interrupted me again "California?"
My heart skipped a bit. How could it be she knew my answer? I told my friends this but not her. I didn't want her to think that there could be a reason behind that answer, which she probably knows very well. But I couldn't lie to her. "... Yeah...it's funny but I feel like part of me wants to be there. And the other part just wants to leave Florida..."
Once again she interrupted me "what part of u?"
Once again in awe at how fast she was catching things... "Umm idk... I can't really tell what makes me think like this I just"-- "follow your heart sis!"
That's it. That's the moment I understood, she wasn't my little sister anymore. she understood things better than my friends, could it be she thought about this for a long time? How is it she realized all of this so fast?
I just laughed. And I said "I just feel like I have nothing here. Nona is getting married, she says nothing will change but everything already has..." "You have me." "Well yeah but you have your own life. It's different. I only have Angela and I love her but I don't want to stay just for her."
By that time we had already gotten to my dad's job.
For the first time I see her as young adult. Not just a child, which is the way I always treated. Underestimated the way she thinks. But she gets things, and I'm glad she got what I wanted to say without me saying anything. Which is the best kind of way.
I am so very glad she is my sister.

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Things they say

We drink a lot tonight.... It started off as a game but I think we drank a lot. To a point where apparently I passed out.
We got to Nona's house around 7, we made an agreement that whenever Sumit's name was mentioned we would have a drink because we didn't think staying in would be fun and we needed something to have fun with.
We started with one shot of tequila, then while Nona worked on the margarita, we had another shot because she mentioned him. And then I think I had 3 more margaritas after that. It was all fun. Until I was laying on the floor and couldn't get up so Nona picked me up and put me in the small couch. It was comfy and I fell asleep... They say I passed out. For two hours. But I remember some of what I heard...
They were talkig about me and my situation. Whispering, so I couldn't really know what they were talking about but they seemed upset. Or at least mad at something. Angela seem to say "... I don't want to tell her because she feels like what she had was special.. I don't want to get in the middle" after that I must have passed out because apparently two hours went by and I didn't realize it.
I did hear what they talked about for the last 20 mins though... This time I could hear them better. I was concern from the first conversation because it seemed they were hiding something from me, and part of me didn't wanna know. But it made me curious and I couldn't believe they were talking about me, like I wasn't there. It made feel like maybe they knew something I didn't.
But then I heard them say things like "I'll never understand why they were together even after they knew it was gonna be over" which I thought "those were the happiest days of my life"
And then, Angela whom I was mad at from the first conversation, said "...but Verner wouldn't do that. He's not like that." Which made me think .. Maybe she doesn't understand it all very well but at least she's on my side. She knows what I've been trying to say and she has been very supportive of my decisions. She may not agree and I wish she would tell me what she really thinks because maybe she knows something I don't -- which scares me -- but maybe I'm just making it a big deal. Maybe she knows him as much as I think I do and she knows that is something he had to do for himself.
Did he do the right thing? Maybe not.
Was he selfish? Yes.
Did he hurt me? Yes. -- and maybe that is why she doesn't like the position she's in. She knows how hurt I am, so much so that she can't mention it to me, and in a way she's mad at him for it.
In other parts of the conversation I heard Nona say "from what I talked to her sister last year she let me believe that this one (me) is the glue of the family. Apparently she is the one that holds them all together because she said that if it wasn't for Maggie she would have left. So her parents put a lot of pressure on her. It must be really hard for her. First the break up then the house, she tried to help, and she can't work.." They went on talking about the dream act and all that... In surprised my sister thinks like that, that I'm the glue. I guess in a way I am... But I don't see it like that. I just want everyone to get along and be happy like a family but I know it won't be possible, because my parents weren't there when we grew up so its kind of weird for them to pretend to be our parents and expect us to follow. Specially for my sister, because I don't think she remembers them being around at all.

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Empty

The feeling never leaves sometimes it hides and wanders in the back but whenever there is silence it comes back. That empty-something-is-wrong feeling. He makes an appearance in every dream I have, either in body, by words, by essence or personality, he's always there. I wake up noticing the difference between reality and the dream.
I'm ok, I can get by and I can pretend that everything is fine. But that's all there is "pretending". That's what my life has turned to be. And I'm scared that's all it will ever be. Smiling and laughing at jokes while feeling empty inside. It's come to the point where I don't even want to acknowledge what I feel, I want to keep pretending for as long as I can. Ignoring the flashes of a past life that I still see every day. I have made the decision to move on... But it feels as if something still has me, part of me is gone and I don't know how I can get it back to be myself again. I don't remember how.
I try to live my life the best that I can, and it feels like I keep a secret from everyone. They all think I'm fine and won't ask me how I'm doing anymore because its obvious I'm ok. But I'm not. When silence creeps in, it reminds me of what I used to be, a person I was very happy being. I'm starting to forget what I use to like, or what I used to do. I'm not sure that's a good or bad thing. And even if I really tried and moved on. I don't think I'll ever have what I lost. Because that's what it feels like... Something got lost, maybe a part of me, and I can't find it. That's the sad part of it all, no matter how I live my life something's missing, it's gone, and as much as I acknowledge it I won't find it.

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Help?

Why? Why do I feel I need help?
I mean there are the obvious reasons that my life has now reached rock bottom. But I seriously feel like screaming for help! And the only person who could have understood me is 30,000 miles away living the awesome life. He has no idea how things are going for me, nor he seems interested. If he was he would have texted me but the truth is, I don't think he's ready either. I know I'm not ready to jump back and talk to him about my problems because whether I want his help or not, this is no longer his problem. He may feel bad for me for a little bit but at the end of the day he will be far away living his own life.

This couple of months have definitely been the hardest of my life. In every single aspect my life sucks, friends and family is the only thing I have. And though it is a good thing, my heart is just empty. Even if I had everything else going for me, even if I had a ton of money or the perfect job and the beautiful house.... Without him it feels kind of empty. When you have no one to share it with, all the wealth in the world won't do. And I want him to realize that. I want him to realize that being in love gives you so much more than your dream job could. And that you shouldn't give up on one to have the other. You should always fight for what makes you happy, and if a girl makes you happy then you should hold on to her as long as you can. Everything else always seems to fall into place when you have that strength on your side. Nothing could be so bad when you have love rooting for you.

I feel like I met love, I loved love, and I want it back. I try to imagine myself falling in love again, being happy once again. I try to think maybe one day ill meet and extraordinary person that will love me and never leave me.
But then I think.... Even if that person loved me, took care of me, got along with my parents, and showered me with gifts... He wouldn't be Verner. The happiness that I would feel for this new guy might be real but it wouldn't be the happiness I knew and loved. And that's my problem, I don't think I can love the same way again. I think he took a big part of me with him and I may never get it back and if that's the case then anyone else that comes after him would only get the scraps. It wouldn't be fair for them and most importantly for me.
I don't want to have to settle, I want my true love and sadly I think he is the one. I just wish he thought the same of me.
Lately I've had ideas or thoughts that he may love his job and friends more than me. I don't mind coming after his job because I know that's his dream and I'm willing to support him as much as I can as a person. I know that would mean being alone for long periods of time which scare me.... But after feeling this empty without him I don't ever want to lose him again. However coming after his friends sometimes hurt, he is insecure, he probably doesn't wanna look like a sissy in front of his friends. Even though I know that when he has to he will tell them off. But I feel like he misses being that tough guy he used to be, the one that didn't give a shit about no one. And his friends liked that too, so right now he may be enjoying being a complete douche with them, I think it makes him feel manly and what not. This is another reason why I think he would rather be single.

I hope to God he is grown. I hope I have made some kind of change in his life for him to realize what's important. He had it for 4 years, his friends wouldn't understand what it was like. I hope he realizes that being tough is fun for a little while but after knowing love he only wants it back. I want him to realize that loving his job and doing what he loves only makes him happy when he has someone to share it with. I want him to have something cool happen to him and want to tell me right away because he knows I would be the only one who would understand. I want him to realize that even though his friends will be there for him as much as they can, they will all live their own life and the only person that will never leave you is the one that loves you so much she will share her life with yours. Most importantly I want him to realize how amazing we were together. And how rare it is to find someone you have so much in common with that you can talk for hours like the time we drove to Orlando and we missed two exits because we were having awesome discussions about movies.
I want him to realize all the good that we had! To realize how happy he was! Most importantly I want him to fight for it, for us. We were given a magnificent gift, you can make a little mistake but please don't throw it away.

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Moving... On?

Every inch of this 12,000 sq ft house has a memory. Since we moved here in 2007 -- 6 years ago-- and 4 of them I spent with him, the memories are too much to handle. Birthdays, Christmas, new year's, Valentines, and Anniversaries.... Or just chill out day in front of the tv. I can picture him standing everywhere. In fact the last day he was here, he stood right in front of my bedroom door and look to the living room/dinning room area for a few minutes. He said he was just standing there but I know his looks and I know he was replaying everything that had happened in the last 4 years in this place. It was almost like our place... He knew we were moving and maybe he thought that even if he were to come back that we wouldn't see this house anymore. This was his goodbye.


So now, packing has become this big problem ... This house has so many memories that I can't help but wonder if moving out also means moving on. I'm not ready for it, I don't even know if I want to ...
Friends say it will do me good to start somewhere new, and maybe so. But I can't help but think that this moving thing was supposed to be fun, excited, another new thing we were supposed to do together. He was supposed to help me pack, unpack, and paint my new room. Now I have no one... And all this memories come at me like little bullets hurting me in places I don't wanna hurt anymore. But I don't want to smile either... I just don't want to do anything, not today. Just let me be in my thoughts, let me pretend we can be together, let me think all of this I'm going through by myself is a test of strength and getting him back is my reward. Please.

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A month later....

I
Don't
Know
What
To
Do

I don't know if what I'm doing is good or not. I don't know if I'm stuck... I have no idea of what is it that I'm supposed to do. I'm letting time heal me but it seems like sometimes it helps and sometimes I'm back at the beginning.
I seemed to be doing fine for the past 2 weeks, sure sometimes I had a bad day and it was hard but then good days came and I was alright again.
I felt so strong as to get Instagram again, I wanted to post some pictures. And I think I had a good one, I took it myself with the Cannon that I own, it's me surrounded by a lot of books while I'm reading. It looked good and it got some likes. I decided not to scroll or look at other pictures for my sake and by mistake I saw one of him. He has a lot of stickers from an app all over him, he's wearing a tank top which makes me think it was just a chill day. I could make a lot of assumptions about that picture and I have made them in my mind. That doesn't take away the pain that I felt when I saw it....
I also decided to post my first picture on Flickr which is an app for nice pics, that I got because he told me to get it so I did. I saw the pics he took (he's still continuing his project of 365 pictures) so I saw a couple. And I'm not sure what # of day it was probably about 10 days ago that he has a pic where he is shirtless, sitting in a chair with his arms on the shoulders of the chair and his head on his arms looking away from the camera with the title "thinking, wishing, waiting" -- First of all, he looks damn sexy like always. I can see every inch of his curved back and all I can do is picture myself right behind him hugging him. Lastly, I think he's thinking about me.. I know it sounds conceited but its just a feeling I have.
The same with the feeling I have that we are meant for each other. That this is just a break, not a break up. My mind wanders through memories, words said and gestures that lead me to believe against what anyone says.... He. Loves. Me.
I dot need anyone to tell me otherwise. I know it, I know it from the bottom of my heart that he does. And it kills me ... Kills me to think that we are both feeling the same pain. Kills me that we can't do anything about it, and for that reason It leads me to believe that were made to be always together. Never apart. And I wanna scream it to the seven seas! Just as much as I wanna scream DON'T GIVE UP ON US to him.
And where does this leave me?
Exactly.

It leaves me wanting to wait for him, while there is no promise; nothing that tells me that he is coming back. So my mind goes crazy, thinking some days that I should wait while slowly move on and other days thinking no you gotta wait. And sometimes thinking that I'm stuck because of this. And the problem is, I don't know if he'll come back. He doesn't know if hell come back either. It's only a matter of time..... An what do I do? I have nothing! My love is gone. My heart with him. If this is living, I rather be dead. I wouldn't wish this on anybody.
I don't have a job, I can't drive anywhere, I'm supposed to be packing and just the thought of going through stuff makes me sick to my stomach. I'm lost. I don't have anyone to tell them how I feel because no one cares "it's been over a month why aren't u over it already" they'll say. And so my mind is a battlefield of thoughts and emotions, fighting with my heart and still pumping blood through my body, what a job! Sometimes I feel like I need help... But no one has time, they are too busy living their lives... And why wouldn't they? Lucky they are all lucky.

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